Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Stayin' Alive

 


Teacher: "Good morning, class. Today I am going to teach you how to stay alive."

Class: "Aww, maaaan."

"You will receive five points for every correct answer. Let's begin. First question. When you hear a noise in your basement, what do you do?"

Class: "I know, I know!"

Teacher: "Marilou."

Marilou: "You open the door and yell, "Hellooo, anybody there?" Then you go down there to investigate."

Teacher: "Incorrect. Next question. You hear a knock on your door late at night. You notice the porch light is out and the peephole is covered from the outside. What should you do? Yes, Angela."

Angela: "Open the door to see who's there. It could be that person who brings a big check to your door and tells you that you've won $1 million dollars."

Teacher: "No."

Brad: "These are hard. We didn't even get to study this shi... stuff."

Teacher: "Bradley. If someone put a plastic bag over your head to suffocate you, what would you do?"

Brad: "Uhhhh..."

Chris: "I would try to scratch his eyes out!"

Jan: "I would flail my arms around until I fainted, then die!"

Teacher: "Zero points given. Now, imagine you are in a serial killer's house and he blocks all the exits with quick drying cement. How can you get out?"

Kara: "Is this like a regular house or clown house?"

Teacher: "Just an ordinary house, students. Anyone?"

Bill: "I guess we die."

Teacher: "Sadly, no points. Here's your chance to redeem yourselves. Twenty points. Last question. You are locked in a car park and there is a mad man with an axe coming for you. You have no phone signal, so how can you call for help?"

Chad: "I would look to see if any of the cars had a phone. Then I would call my bruh and tell him to come pick me up."

Teacher: "There's no phone signal."

Chad: "Oh, I thought it was just my phone. 

Cindy: "I would scream and scream and scream, like this, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

"Max: "I would break in a car, hot wire it and run the guy over. I can't do manual, though. I actually don't have my driver's license yet. I'd scream, too."

........

Sarah: "Is she coming back? Hey, the door is locked. Oh my God, what do we do!?"

Tim: "We turn on each other and tell our most inner secrets, then someone in the room kills all of us!"

Me: As you can see, I watch a lot of horror movies. The stupider, the better. TUBI is my favorite place to go to watch num-nuts get themselves moidered. 

I just watched a movie where the people think they are playing some kind of Big Brother game except they are locked in a room and no one ever shows up, so they just wait it out until they eventually die. I'd be breaking down walls, pulling up floor planks or going up to the ceiling. I'm getting out.

The plastic over the face kills me. Rip it off!

And who the hell goes down the basement stairs when you hear a noise!?

One more. No points given. Another movie. The girl is trapped inside a car park where the employee is a rat bastard having a little fun. Wouldn't you pull the fire alarm? 

I'm just saying. There are ways and I'd use them all. If you decide one day to taunt me, hand me a gun and scream to shoot you, (yes, in a movie) I'm not going to hesitate or toss the weapon away or try to work something out. I'm going to shoot you. 

And since when do real thugs take their turn to beat you up!? Okay, this isn't in horror movies, but it bugs me. Every Jackie Chan movie the dudes are so polite to wait their turn. Get in there, bust a kneecap, although I love Jackie. 

I get it. We are expected to suspend belief and just go with it. But sometimes I'm rooting for the monster because you people don't deserve to live.

Class dismissed.


*Illustration from Freepik 





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