The Trump Presidential Library

 


"Welcome y'all to the Donald Trump Presidential Library. Or, as I liked to call him, Daddy. I'm Tiffany and I'll be yer host for this amazing tour. I've been given the honor to show you Daddy's contributions to our great nation basically cause Daddy forgot to put me in his will, although there weren't much to go around after all them lawyers and such. But, I'm so proud of him even after he was sent to prison for all they said he done. It's still hard to believe he's gone after Stephen Miller shanked him over a bottle of Coke. Daddy loved his Coke and fries. Unfortunately, Mr. Giuliani had a heart attack trying to carry the back end of Daddy's casket. It was a down right shame no one came to the wake. After all he done for y'all. Anyway, I got this job and I'm gonna tell y'all the fun facts about numbers 45, 47 and prisoner number 893246. Oh, if ya gotta use the powder room don't mind them boxes. We use that for a double purpose. Do yer business and souvenir shop in one. There's some gold plated watches and gorgeous gold colored sneakers at a great discount price. We're having a bogo just today. 


Anyway, this here library was brought to you by the generosity of the American citizens who showed how much they loved Daddy. As you'll see, they ain't no books. Daddy just hated to read, but he surely did like to tweet. He posted over 57,000 tweets in his lifetime. Can you believe that. ALL IN CAPS, TOO! I got some more numbers here, some I rightly don't agree with but am forced to reveal in order to maintain my status as official Trump historian and to get my $7.25 an hour salary, lunch included. Now, Daddy Trump loved to do business. Unfortunately he weren't so good at it. Besides them six bankruptcies he had to pay $450 million in fines for fraud which was just a drop in the bucket cause Daddy made buckets of money as America's most beloved President. He never did pay Miss E Jean Carroll her $88.3 million although he did have it. He surely did have it. It's a shame nobody showed up at his funeral. I just don't understand it. Course most of his aides are in prison but the little folk didn't even bother showing their respect. They all said they loved him. And can you believe that Melania marrying Elon Musk the day of his passing!? When we all got the news Daddy was shanked by his cell mate, Stephen, over a bottle of Coke we were shocked. Well, not really, cause Daddy loved his Coke and fries. Oh, did I say that already? He surely did. His last word was, "covfefe." It's a mystery like, "rosebud." Well, help yerself to a cookie and don't forget to check out the boxes in the powder room. 


I get a commission so look real good. There might be more right foot shoes than left. Nany Mace threw out a lot of the lefties. Also if you could throw in a dollar or two in the funds jar to keep the library going. Y'all know we had to sell off all Daddy's golf courses and was left with this little lot. President Ocasio-Cortez was generous enough to let us stay on. She even sent over Mr. Gomez and his crew to mow the little lawn here, although I hear they weren't too happy seeing as Daddy had them deported to Uganda, but, that's agua under the bridge. Vice president Buttigieg said we must heal our torn nation. Not sure what he meant by that but I sure hope you enjoyed the tour. Come back real soon. I'm sorry your bus broke down right out there by the trailer. Funny bout them nails in the road. Now you can be on yer way and won't miss that festival of love sponsored by Bluesky and Karen Attiah. Maybe I can come with y'all. Hang on, let me... hang on, folks, wait fer me!"

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