Et Tu, Jesus?

 


 Hey, so those of you going to church Sunday, for the momentous occasion of Jesus making an awesome entrance, you better not be ugly. God don't want you in his building if you look like Danny Devito or Steve Buscemi. Don't be wheeling in, or using a service animal. Nope. You stay the hell away. Leviticus 21:17-24

Don't be mocking a bald man. You'll be cursed! From your mouth to God's ears. Seems a bunch of kids were mocking the hair challenged man who was not amused. God was looking down and needed to teach those kids a really good lesson. So he sent two Mama bears to kill 42 children. Be careful when you mock the orange man! God might be watching! 2Kings 2:23-24

Oh, dear. All the men in Sodom noticed Lot had two ladies come a calling. Being angels they were probably in their Sunday best. Well, those horny boys thought they might like to have nonconsensual sex with them. Lot, said, "Nah, they're mine. Rape my daughters, instead!" Well, I guess the men had some integrity or Lot's daughters were ugly, because they said, "Gross. No." So, God blinded them all.  Genesis 19: 1-26

Let's not forget when God demanded Abraham kill his son. Abraham wasn't really feeling it, but like a good maga, he blindly obeyed. Before Abraham could shove that shiv into his son's belly, God said, "Stop! Lol, LMFAO, man I was just testing you. You passed with flying colors." Genesis 22: 1-12

Sounds like Genesis is not for falling asleep reading. 

Oh, et tu, dude?

One day Jesus was feeling snackish and noticed a fig tree over yonder, but there wasn't a fig on it. This irritated Jesus. It was like that Snickers candy commercial where famous people turn into assholes because they haven't eaten. Anyway, Jesus kills that tree as his posse gasps. Jesus looks at them and chuckles and says, "Bros, that ain't nothing. I could throw a mountain into the sea if I wanted. Now let's have a good supper!" Matthew:21: 18-21

My girls and I will be snacking on chocolate and peeps. No church for us. Jesus surely don't want me for a sunbeam. But, you go on ahead and praise the Lord, he has risen, if that's your thing, because it's ok by me. You live your life and I'll live mine. That's the way it should be. 

Comments

Anonymous said…
Nice! As a long-lapsed Lutheran, I missed out on the religious training that Catholics and Jews get, so those Bible stories were only vaguely familiar to me. You put them into perspective for me.
April 17, 2025 at 11:21 AM
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