I Dream I'm Wearing My Big Girl Pants

 

Maladaptive daydreaming. I have it, along with 2% of the world, although I'm not sure how the professionals gather their data. Who's going to admit they spend chunks of their day in make believe land?

Well, I will. I was in my early teens and suffering from a deep depression. Back then you put your big girl pants on and carry on. Instead of spending the weekend outside, riding a bike, getting together with friends, I crawled into my bed and made up stories. Mostly it was me living with a wonderful family. I remember watching an old movie about a family who goes to the State Fair. I incorporated myself into their family. Most people probably daydream, but this is much more than that. A storyline can continue for years with characters who remained with me for a very long time. 

The professionals surmise the daydreaming manifests because of a traumatic experience. For me it was a key to survive being bullied at school, coming home to an alcoholic mother who could barely cope with her life let alone a severely depressed child. So, I ran away into my stories. Books, painting and daydreaming - anything to dull the pain of real life. With the exception of getting high smoking weed when others around me participated, I never explored or took any other drug to make the days go away. When I got married the daydreaming stopped. Living a Martha Stewart life while raising a child kept me busy. I don't know how long after my divorce the daydreaming began again. The dreams could be something as simple as living in a cottage up in the Northwoods to being a brilliant writer who just won a Pulitzer. 

I always knew these hours of pretend were not healthy or normal. That didn't mean I could stop it. I would go to work and be daydreaming the whole ten hours, then go home, make dinner and continue the story. I think if I was an extrovert the daydreaming would have stopped earlier. Maybe I would have gotten the help I needed. I have only met one other person who daydreamed for hours. She was in my group therapy session. I knew she didn't like me after she had mentioned she's the one in her relationship who must buy the groceries, otherwise, her boyfriend would live on potato chips and soda. I said something about not being the mother to him. She ignored me after that. I still liked her. I would have wanted to be her friend. One evening, our therapist brought up the subject about how we each cope with our depression. The woman spoke about when she was a child growing up with a mother who had extreme health issues and relied on her to care for her. When she was alone, she would daydream for hours about riding her skateboard, fighting crime whenever she met it. I wanted to hug her at that moment. I wanted to tell her I knew what it was like, but I didn't. To the outside world, she seemed to have figured life out. She had just passed the bar exam and was exploring a world of real life options. Her past caught up with her as she felt guilt and immense relief after her mother recently died. I wanted to hold her hand. Instead, I went home to an empty house and my characters. 

I still daydream. It's not as excessive. It usually happens when I can't sleep and I send myself to Paris. When I was a child the dreams were a way to escape and maybe in my naivety there was some hope that these dreams could one day be a reality. Now, as I am older, I know they are just dreams and nothing more. 

Maladaptive daydreaming is way to escape reality. It's also a way for the human heart to survive. At times it helped, but I'm aware that life has passed me by. If you think your child needs help, do everything you can for them. There is still the stigma of mental health issues in this country. There is very little help for many. Daydreaming seems rather tame compared to other debilitating mental behavior, but, it still is a coping mechanism that allows the dreamer to avoid real life events, whether good or bad. There are still many in the mental health field who don't even recognize this as a mental health issue. A daydream will never replace the human experience. I'm not writing this for sympathy. Never. As they say, it is what it is. If I can help one person who thinks their daydreaming is negatively impacting their life- seek help. Then sharing a part of my life will be worth it.