The True Story Of St. Paddy's Day


Faith and begorrah, why it's Saint Paddy's Day! A time when everyone is Irish and the streets are filled with yellow as the drunks piss in the streets after drinking Guinness at 10 in the morning. It is true, the dear Saint ran out the snakes and that's when the "troubles" began, because the snakes aerated the soil for potatoes to grow. Now, they were gone, snakes and potatoes, so there was no spuds to go along with the corned beef and cabbage. Times were tough. The lads sat in the pubs, drinking warm ale that tasted like spittle and worried their heads over the whole situation. 

Seamus: " 'Ow do we bring back the tater, Sean? Me woman wails all the day long fer the tuber. I tell her to quit her whinging but she won't have it. I canno' take eet anymore."

Little did the wee people of Ireland know there were plenty of spuds but were kept hidden in a pot guarded by leprechauns. They had heard of a place called the Amazon where they could call up an order and get next day delivery. Unfortunately, they were at war with the LGBTQ community who sold them oot by marking their pots using the rainbow. Now everyone in Ireland had potatoes again to go with the corned beef and cabbage. The world rejoiced and we celebrate the end of the "troubles" by watching, 'The Quiet Man,' and dying the Chicago River green. 

It's a beautiful world, made all the more lovely when all the adults are three sheets to the wind.

And now I leave you with a song about a boy named Danny, who wouldn't go shut off the damn pipes. Jesus wept.

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